How to Say No Without Feeling Deprived

How can we take the sting out of saying no to certain foods and even alcohol, when we are scared of missing out?

I still remember my mum’s second husband, John, couldn’t (and wouldn’t) say no to any offer of food or drink at all. In the end, I think it drove my mum crazy, for some reason she found it astonishing that John had no restraint. He was afraid to miss out and he carried the excess kilos to prove it.

Over the years, I have learned to say no politely, graciously and with feelings of guilt or deprivation. We live in the abundant Western world,  so at least when it comes to food, most of us are not really at risk of starving.

In my mind, part of being able to say no to a delicious offer of food, without feeling deprived, is knowing that we can have it again, anytime we feel like it. And, just because the food or alcohol is free, doesn’t mean we need to say yes to it. In fact when it’s free, it’s not always the best quality.

Back in 2014, my family and I went on an “all you can eat” cruise around the Bahamas. As a keen observer of peoples eating styles, I was kept thoroughly entertained watching many passengers push to get their “fair share” of food, which, by the way, just kept flowing and flowing. There was clearly no shortage of good food, and yet most people’s attitudes were one of scarcity and fear of missing out.

This is where having an abundance mindset, rather than a scarcity mindset around food really helps us to say no when we are not truly hungry.

​A friend recently told me that she had been put on medication which meant that she couldn’t drink alcohol or she would suffer serious side effects. Although she usually had a glass of wine at night to unwind (as did many people during Covid), she said it was no big deal giving it up because the medication would make her feel better and she didn’t want to cause herself harm by drinking. Sighing, she said if only she could say no to food that easily.
Truth is, we need a good “why” in order to change habits that are no longer working for us. Much of our eating and drinking is mindless habit. We are very suggestible to external cues and susceptible to ingesting food and drink simply because it’s there, it’s offered, it’s free or we get triggered by a television commercial or a drive thru.
We can easily get into the habit of a pick-me-up muffin at morning tea with our coffee, a bag of chips when we arrive home, a beer when watching the football, a drink before dinner or a snack before bedtime.
We don’t need to do any of these things, but they’ve become so integrated into our lives that we’re convinced we can’t do without them.
With this in mind, we need to view saying no to these habits that no longer serve us, as positive and effective self-care, rather than distressingly deprivational.
Being able to say no, therefore is all about our perception and how we choose to view the changes we are seeking to make.
Of course we deserve the small pleasures in life. We just need to be discerning. What’s the difference between habituations we can easily relinquish and those we would go down fighting for? Sometimes, we are just so into good chocolate that we would happily forgo the cocktail.
Sometimes, we realize we are saying yes to food and drink that we could, in fact, decline and not feel deprived at all. Personally, I have gotten fussy over the years, and I don’t eat just any chocolate now, in fact I’m a self-confessed chocolate snob. This makes saying no to certain offers really easy!
What are some foods or habits you can easily say no to without the consequences feeling too huge for you? Start noticing the level of pleasure you’re deriving from the often mindless, automatic habits we feel we can’t live without, and we can surprise ourselves how easy it becomes to say no.